I’m chronically ill, but my worst symptoms come in waves. I’ll be able to function without anyone noticing much of anything for a few weeks, and then I’ll be sick in bed for however long it takes. It’s a miserable cycle and I never know how long anything will last, but that’s the way it is.
I’ve been feeling terribly sick for almost two weeks now, and throughout all of it, I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s all in my head and I’m a terrible person who WANTS to be sick, so she is. I’ve been sick for 8 years now, and I still only really accept that it’s true half the time.
Today I really tried to push myself to do things, convinced that if I believe I’m ok, I will be. The pushing made things worse, my head is in terrible pain, my stomach and back are screaming, and I have hot flashes. I fear this will never stop being frustrating. I feel so useless. I have to ask my husband to get me water, make me lunch.
I wish it was as simple as wanting to be well, and then being that way.
If only it were that simple… but it isn’t. And the more we beat ourselves up for something we CANNOT control… the worse it is.
Finding the balance between giving in and letting the illness/pain take over our lives and pushing ourselves so hard we crash is apparently the key to the whole thing.
So far, I haven’t managed to find that balance, though