A week ago, I decided to be a super sweet wife, and I cut up Robert’s jalapenos for him. I’m a very picky eater, and hate most of the things Robert loves to eat, including jalapenos, and I don’t like cutting them up either. After cutting up the strange vegetables, I sat down on the sofa, listening to our roommate (Michelle) talk about her day. I mentioned that the side of my nose felt like it was burning and felt self conscious rubbing it while she was talking. I can’t even remember what she was going on about when I suddenly jumped up with my hands covering my eyes-screaming.
“OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS, I THINK MY EYEBALLS ARE BLEEDING! OH MY GOD!”
I stumbled into the kitchen where Robert calmly said “Uh-oh”. The thoughts raced through my mind as the worst pain I’ve ever felt sears through me. I concluded that somehow glass had gotten into both of my eyeballs when Robert continued. “I think you rubbed jalapeno stuff in your eyes.” My mind tried to wrap around what I was saying-he offered no advice for how to fix this at all.
“SO, WHAT? AM I GOING TO DIE?”
Every time I have told this story people look at me sideways and go “Faith, even worst case scenario, you’d just go blind.” That’s easy for you to say now, while you are sitting there without the WORST PAIN EVER taking hold of all the happiness in the world! I was going to die, world wide catastrophe was coming-I felt like everyone should be running for the hills!
Robert, still standing in the kitchen calmly as I’m panicked and waiting for the end to come, tells me wash my hands thoroughly with soap and rinse my eyes out with water. I yell for him to hand me the soap and lead me to the sink but I suppose he just stood still, as no help came. I stumbled to the sink, washed my hands, rinsed out my eyeballs, and with water still dripping down my face I peak out and see my husband and Michelle standing there staring at me. Robert was still acting like everything was completely normal, and Michelle looked frightened and sort of hid in the dining room. I tried to pick the conversation back up with her, but she scurried off into her bedroom-I think she thinks I’m a little too dramatic for her, but my god, it hurt!
In the end, I did not die, the world did not end, the pain went away, Robert ate his jalapenos still believing they were one of the best vegetables ever.
Moral of the story-never, ever, ever chop vegetables for Robert.
P.S-I mass texted this to my sisters after it happened, and Violet only read the beginning as she hates long text messages. Later, she told me “I got that text message and was wondering if your eyes were bleeding why the fuck you were texting me, I mean really, GO TO THE HOSPITAL! God!”
