Me: I used to blog about everything. I was literally an open book, for years. And now it’s been years, and I want to blog, but I never know what to say.
Best Friend: You don’t have a home and you bring your bunny with you everywhere. I think you have a lot to say.
I guess she has a point. My days are full and busy, even when I feel like I’m boring, and I always have a million things to talk about. But when people ask me what I have been up to lately, I usually just shrug. And when I go to blog, I stare at the page in a blank way… even though my paper journal is full and I spend all of my days writing. So why is blogging so hard? Why was it so easy so many years ago? Because I just didn’t care about approval at the time, at all. I was looking to find people who understood me, and knew and accepted that most people weren’t all that interested in talking to that weird girl. (That Weird Girl…. that would have been a fun name for a blog!) As I’ve gotten older, I’ve only gotten stranger. And I know very well that it makes people very uncomfortable, so while I talk a lot, I steer the conversations so that I avoid talking about myself too much. At least, not the things I believe that people don’t want to hear.
Which might really surprise you if you were looking at me right now. You don’t want to make people uncomfortable? ….I know my hair is purple. I know I wear two different color shoes. I know that my sunglasses are always in fun shapes. And while I’m writing this, I know that if I look up I’ll at least find one person in this library who is staring at me….. yep! There he is. And I know that all of that makes people uncomfortable, but it’s easier to brush off when people don’t approve of my hair. It’s a lot less fun to deal with conversations about the rest of my life. I face disapproval from people I know and people I don’t whenever I choose to open my mouth, which leads to me frequently just keeping my mouth shut instead.
People can’t actually ask me about my life without having an awkward conversation. When I try to start making lists of things that I try to avoid in conversation, I start to wonder what it is I ever do talk about, anyway.
That’s not really a great approach to life though now, is it?
Even if people don’t approve of pretty much anything I do, and even if people are looking for me to explain everything I do, that doesn’t necessarily matter. I know that this is one of those age old lessons that most people learn in their younger years, and it’s definitely something I’ve always been aware of, but saying it never actually gets me used to the disapproval I meet on a constant basis. Probably because I go with trying to avoid it where possible instead of actually dealing with it. It’s not necessary for me to make everyone else more comfortable with my life. I should probably take to repeating that last sentence to myself on a more daily basis. It’s not necessary for me to make everyone else more comfortable with my life.
In the spirit of trying to be more open with people, if not in daily life then at least on this blog, I’m resolving to be more open about my life, which I guess amounts to resolving to blog more often. I know people do this all the time and it’s sort of an overused statement, but I’m saying it anyway because that’s part of the whole open idea, right? Right.
“The best way to get approval is not to need it. This is equally true in art and business. And love. And sex. And just about everything else worth having.” – Hugh MacLeod