Right now nothing works. I watch new movies, read new books, new quotes, it doesn’t help. I have no wisdom for these problems, and the more I think about things, the more problems I come to see.

I need to do something, change some things, I see that much. Right now all I’m doing though is sitting here and waiting on my brain to figure out what to do next. Searching for answers I don’t know exactly how to find.

I guess this blog post is really vague, but there is so much it’s hard to sum it all up. Mainly my problem, I think, is loneliness. I guess I should make sure I really know what the problems are before I can figure out how to fix them though, right?

I have less time because I have to rest more, because I get sick and tired on a daily basis. It cuts into my time to work on things, to write, to blog! I was working on getting much better about this time management business before my father passed away, and then it all just sort of fell apart. I’m working on it again, though!

In case you didn’t know, I’m a pretty big geek, and I LOVE me some Joss Whedon. On that note, I love Dollhouse! I can’t wait for the show to start up again on September 25th. Anyhow, I recently watched the unaired pilot and the 13th episode, Epitaph One, which will both be on the Dollhouse DVD. Epitaph One is absolutely amazing! I can’t tell you that enough. AMAZING. What a great show! I can’t wait for season two. I can understand why Fox didn’t air it, but ultimately I think they should have.

The unaired pilot. Wow. So far all I really have to say about it is that I really wonder how season one would have gone with that pilot, because it seems the show would have been completely different. I won’t say more for fear of spoiling you. If you haven’t been watching Dollhouse, you should catch up before season 2 starts!

I have been writing every single day lately, I’ve gotten decently far on this story I’m working on, and I have a nice little map with checkpoints to help me keep going. It hurts my head, but I love it.

I should write a story about this-except, in my mind, all the mice are evil and plotting. Who would be the good guy? …maybe I could give myself a happy ending where one heroic little mouse convinces the other mice to move out into the forest and leave all the people alone to live in peace. That would be nice.

Oh, holyfuckingshit. I just got an email (from the apartment manager) tellign me someone saw a mouse go in my apartment. Have I told you I am fucking TERRIFIED of mice? Also, they want to come in and set traps. I don’t want to find a mouse, but I really don’t want to find a fucking dead mouse, either. FUCK.

And then, two hours later…

-still obsessing over mouse- worst thing is, it could have ran back out & I’ll never know, always left to wonder. We need to move.

I called around and found the closest hardware store to me actually sells no kill mouse traps, so that’s good, I guess. I really hate the idea of a mouse being in here though. I want to pick up all my clutter so it has no where to hide and will leave…but I’m too scared that I’ll pick something up and a mouse will run out. Oh god, the idea just gave me the shivers.

I know it sounds really dumb to be this scared of a mouse, but all small creatures freak me out. My mom used to talk a LOT about how if we touched a mouse, we’d get the plague and die. Honestly, it’s surprising I’m not more scared.

Also, why didn’t my cat take care of this whole situation for me? Ok, I know she would just LOVE to kill a mouse-she’s always killing the spiders and she was always very interested in our hamster. Why didn’t she catch the killer mouse this morning so this was never an issue, hmm?

Ok, in reality, I guess I wouldn’t want to find my cat with a bloody mouth and have to clean up the situation there. Why can’t mice all stay out in the forest and I’ll stay in here and we can all live in our peaceful bubbles?

Someone come over and take care of it for me, mmmk?

I’m not very into sharing a lot about myself with the people we work with. They’re all about the same age (50s) and they’re very close. They’re also very nice! I do like them all, but they’re also leading rather “normal” lives, and I’m very aware or how strange I am.

I think this is why I haven’t been blogging, and why I haven’t made much effort to make new friends in general-because I know that at some point, I’ll explain enough for people to know I’m just a bit too weird for them.

There are SO MANY things about me that require explanations, and people are so quick to judge…it’s so tiring.

Things about me that require really long conversations:

I don’t talk to my parents.

I wear different colored shoes.

What I do all day.

How I met my husband.

I’m a vegetarian-what I eat.

What I write about.

How old I am.

….There are more, but these are the things I can currently think of that I try to avoid talking about on a daily basis. I try not to slip and say “My mom used to…” or anything remotely involving age, especially anything that talks about people “my age”. It’s so exhausting!

And what’s the point?  The point of keeping it all to myself is how exhausting it is when something slips and I have to explain things to people. You can see the judgment on their faces, hear the disapproval in their questions… it’s exhausting always being the odd one out.

I’m more willing to throw it all out in front of people who I don’t have to see everyday-but this is where I work and live. I don’t need those looks and I don’t need those questions.

I’m so glad no one else got on that fucking glass elevator.

I got off that elevator feeling victorious; I had beaten the elevator even if I did it screaming like a five year old.

Of course, then one o’clock showing was sold out and we had to wait for the 3 o’clock show.