September, 2009

...now browsing by month

 

Breaking My Own Rules

Saturday, September 12th, 2009

I’ve been in bed sick the past couple of weeks, and as I’ve mentioned in my last two posts, sort of  struggling with feeling sorry for myself. But, in the middle of that, I’ve been working over these short stories I have going. They’re all speculative fiction (this term encompasses fantasy, scifi, horror, etc.) and have a common supernatural theme in them, which I haven’t decided if I’m going to tell anyone else about until I’m done.

Anyhow, I think my theme is pretty cool, and ever since I had the idea for this project months and months ago the idea has excited me. My stories have this common theme, but they’re all fairly different stories, and excite me in their own unique ways.

One story in particular stars a brother and sister, Cory and Anna. I had written the first chunk of this story a few years back and never really touched it. It occurred to me today that I should finish this story, andd encorporate my theme into this story. I didn’t really remember that I’d written, but I remembered the general idea of it.

There is nothing that quite makes my head so big as picking up something I’d written years ago and forgotten about, only to read it and go, wow. This really isn’t bad at all!   As a general rule (that I would love to start breaking more often) after I finish writing anything I feel like tearing it up and throwing it away.  I’m quite pleased to be breaking my own rules on this one.

I’m a little bit scared to pick the story up now and continue it. I’m pretty convinced I’m going to ruin it. It looks like my general state of being is sinking back in….

I tweeted early today that I have more story ideas than time, which is really true. I have a novel going, about five short stories, and this evening I need to spend some time writing down all the thoughts I have for this other novel idea so that eventually, when I get to it, I’ll remember what the idea was. The problem is that when I write these things down I just sort of write my train of thoughts, so that I make sure to get them all down, and then later when I read these messy  files I think “What was I thinking? This is atrocious!”

I guess I should try and write my outline files more like persuasive essays, convincing my future self that my current self does, in fact, know things.

When I write sentences like the one above I’m reminded how being a writer makes me sound like I’m becoming more mentally unhinged every single day. Early today I was talking about how I think my charachter should do these certain things and then burst out “But I can’t do that, because that’s not who she IS!” …because the people I made up are in some ways real, I guess.

Yeah, I worry about me a little sometimes, too.

Posted in writing | No Responses »

Observe More Closely

Sunday, September 6th, 2009

It’s hard to fight the urge to focus on all the things I cannot do, but I wish I could. It’s embarrassing that I focus on how frustrating these things are, instead of how lucky I am for all the things I can do. It’s particularly embarrassing when I hear stories about people like this amazing girl who is autistic, and still manages to live her life and accomplish amazing things. This girl, Carly, wasn’t able to communicate until she was 11 years old. I can only imagine that frustration.

I can communicate. I have many gifts at my disposal to communicate in many different ways. This is something to be incredibly thankful for, and I wish I didn’t sometimes slip into self pity and forget how amazing that really is. Writing is my favorite thing, it’s what I want to do most, and I can do it. Why focus on what I can’t do?

In an earlier post about Flannery O’Connor (a writer who had I had much in common with including being chronically ill) I included a quote I’ve kept on my desktop for a few years now to help remind myself of all of this.

“I am making out fine in spite of any conflicting stories…I have enough energy to write with and as that is all I have any business doing anyhow, I can with one eye squinted take it all as a blessing. What you have to measure out, you come to observe more closely, or so I tell myself.” – Flannery O’Connor

Posted in health, writing | No Responses »

wanting to be well

Friday, September 4th, 2009

I’m chronically ill, but my worst symptoms come in waves. I’ll be able to function without anyone noticing much of anything for a few weeks, and then I’ll be sick in bed for however long it takes. It’s a miserable cycle and I never know how long anything will last, but that’s the way it is.

I’ve been feeling terribly sick for almost two weeks now, and throughout all of it, I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s all in my head and I’m a terrible person who WANTS to be sick, so she is. I’ve been sick for 8 years now, and I still only really accept that it’s true half the time.

Today I really tried to push myself to do things, convinced that if I believe I’m ok, I will be. The pushing made things worse, my head is in terrible pain, my stomach and back are screaming, and I have hot flashes. I fear this will never stop being frustrating. I feel so useless. I have to ask my husband to get me water, make me lunch.

I wish it was as simple as wanting to be well, and then being that way.

Posted in health | 1 Response »